{"id":184,"date":"2019-03-07T18:42:20","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T18:42:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/?p=184"},"modified":"2024-09-13T23:46:10","modified_gmt":"2024-09-13T23:46:10","slug":"book-reviews","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/book-reviews\/","title":{"rendered":"Book Reviews"},"content":{"rendered":"

PDF versions for download:\u00a0 1 Book Review – Games Students Play<\/a> \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a02 Book Review – Games People Play<\/a> \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a03 Book Review – Between Parent and Child<\/a> \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a04 Book Review – I’m OK–You’re OK<\/a> \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a05 Book Review – Getting Past No<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

My project required me to write five reviews of books that were relevant to classroom management.\u00a0 I looked for ones that were not the typical classroom management books because I felt I had already seen much of current material through online sources.\u00a0 My choices were:<\/p>\n

Games Students Play<\/span>\u00a0 by Ken Ernst<\/p>\n

Games People Play<\/span> by Eric Berne<\/p>\n

Between Parent and Child<\/span> by Haim Ginott<\/p>\n

I’m OK — You’re OK<\/span> by Thomas A. Harris, M.D.<\/p>\n

Getting Past No<\/span> by William Ury<\/p>\n

You can read the PDF versions (above) or read the reviews in full below.<\/p>\n

____________________<\/p>\n

Games Students Play<\/u> by Ken Ernst, published 1975 by Celestial Arts, ISBN 0-912310-16-2<\/strong><\/p>\n

This book uses the concept of Transactional Analysis from Games People Play<\/em> and applies it to the classroom.<\/p>\n

Games Students Play<\/em> (GSP) is an application of transactional analysis techniques specifically for the classroom.\u00a0 Transactional analysis is defined by Wikipedia as<\/p>\n

a\u00a0psychoanalytic theory<\/a>\u00a0and method of\u00a0therapy<\/a>\u00a0wherein social transactions are analyzed to determine the\u00a0ego<\/a>\u00a0state of the patient (whether parent-like, child-like, or adult-like) as a basis for understanding behavior.\u00a0In transactional analysis, the patient is taught to alter the ego state as a way to solve emotional problems. The method deviates from\u00a0Freudian psychoanalysis<\/a>\u00a0which focuses on increasing awareness of the contents of unconsciously held ideas.\u00a0Eric Berne<\/a>\u00a0developed the concept and paradigm of transactional analysis in the late 1950s. (Wikipedia, \u201cTransactional analysis\u201d, accessed 21Feb2018)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The book starts out with a description of what the \u201cgames\u201d are and how the \u201cplayers\u201d operate in them. \u00a0In particular, how the students are the players and how they use the games to disrupt the teacher and the classroom goals.<\/p>\n

The word \u201cgame\u201d in this book is used in a specific sense.\u00a0 A game has a seemingly plausible and innocent surface statement, or opening move, which is aimed at getting a sympathetic response from a listener.\u00a0 If this response is given, the game goes into more detailed maneuvers, with two or more players engaged.<\/p>\n

The players choose specific rules which are interchangeable, and the play is conducted in a way ranging from passive to aggressive \u2013 that is, to a soft, medium, or hard degree.\u00a0 These psychological games are not much like childhood games; they are more closely allied to thoughtful activities like chess, contract bridge, or puzzle-solving.<\/p>\n

Every game has predictable causes, moves, and payoffs.\u00a0 Of course, no two games \u2026 are exactly alike\u2026 But the moves are not random.\u00a0 The informed teacher or parent can spot the rules governing the seemingly random moves made by the players.<\/p>\n

The essential characteristics of a game is that it has two levels \u2013 one obvious and the other ulterior.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 9)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It also points out how someone who is savvy to these games can begin to identify them and shut them down.<\/p>\n

When anything goes badly in school, this \u201cgame detector\u201d can help him figure out who is trying to do what to whom and how to stop it, if it needs stopping.\u00a0 Games Students Play<\/em> is designed for this purpose.<\/p>\n

Everyone, in effect, plays some sort of game; but some players address themselves to the constructive side of life and should be encouraged, while others are playing for ends that can only be called anti-social.\u00a0 The first problem for any player, of course, is to know what game he is playing, and then to follow the rules as carefully as possible.\u00a0 Knowing them, he can avoid games and get on with more creative objectives.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 10)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The book presents a fictional teacher, Mr. Johnson, whose students are playing various games in his classroom.\u00a0 We access his thought processes and strategies to see how he begins to deal with these games.<\/p>\n

Teachers are paid to teach.\u00a0 Disruptions interfere with the job.\u00a0 What does the teacher do with a disruptor?<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

He had long ago learned to listen carefully to roll responses.\u00a0 He had learned to listen for the opening move in a long series of transactions that are not happenstance, not coincidental, but as subconsciously calculated \u2026 Each student had an objective in mind and a favorite strategy to use.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

Every student \u2026 had long ago learned what to expect from his mother and father and other grownups.\u00a0 Each had learned the best way of getting along in the world of mom, dad, and other big people.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

By watching someone\u2019s behavior, words, intonation, facial expressions, gestures, and mannerism a person can begin to see basically three distinct ego states or personalities.\u00a0 With practice he can see which of these is in control of a person at any one time.<\/p>\n

(GSP, pages 13-14)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The ego states are listed without much definition.\u00a0 See Games People Play<\/em> for more details.<\/p>\n

These three distinct personalities will be shown as three circles:\u00a0 Parent, Adult, and Child.<\/p>\n

The Child ego state or Child personality is the same one the person had when he was eight or younger.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 15)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The book gives an example of one type of Child state and how to recognize it from its physical manifestations.<\/p>\n

\u2026 her head was tipped up and tilted to one side.\u00a0 There were already visible horizontal lines etched on her forehead.\u00a0 Her jaw jutted.\u00a0 Her eyes would snap shut for two or three seconds at a time with the eyeball looking up.\u00a0 She was a perfect example of the defiant Child listener.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 15)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It then continues to give a description of the other two states.<\/p>\n

The Adult ego state is basically a computer.\u00a0 It receives information through the senses, stores it logically, recalls data, and makes predictions.\u00a0 The Adult, like a computer, has no feelings or emotions.\u00a0 It develops gradually during the years of childhood and, if given a chance, throughout life.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

Mr. Johnson\u2019s Parent ego state is behavior copied from his own parents and modified by copying other authority figures.\u00a0 When he is in his Parent ego state, Mr. Johnson is like a cassette recorder.\u00a0 He plugs in an old tape that his mother, father, uncle, or someone else gave him.\u00a0 Then he will play it through, often with his father\u2019s mannerisms and inflections.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 16)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Parent state has parts or functions, along with cautions on how they can be overused.<\/p>\n

The Parent ego state has two basic functions.\u00a0 One is nurturing, taking care of the young and protecting them without qualification.\u00a0 This is a good and necessary function, even though it can be overused to the point of being smothering and over-protective.\u00a0 The other function of the Parent is to act on prejudiced ideas, which have been accepted uncritically, and which came largely from one\u2019s own parents, grandparents, and teachers.\u00a0 It is a real advantage to be able to act quickly and without much thought in solve many everyday problems; it would be enormously time-consuming to subject every small daily problem to careful rational scrutiny.\u00a0 But the prejudiced or critical Parent can also be overused, filling the person in that ego state with many inappropriate \u201cDo\u2019s\u201d and \u201cDon\u2019ts.\u201d<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 16)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Similarly, the Child state has two parts.<\/p>\n

The natural or free Child is curious, fun-loving, spontaneous, creative.\u00a0 The adapted or compliant Child state developed in response to pressure from one\u2019s own parents, and acts in ways calculated to please or satisfy them.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 17)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Finally, we get a glimpse of the motivation behind the game playing.<\/p>\n

\u2026 will play their games \u2026 with those persons who promise the most attention in return.\u00a0 The \u201cwhen\u201d can be explained by the concept of \u201ctrading stamps.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2026 Psychological stamps, like the paper variety, come in regular and giant sizes.<\/p>\n

There is a physiological reason for collecting psychological trading stamps.\u00a0 It is that one of the main functions of the brain is to store energy.\u00a0 Sometimes when we can\u2019t get what we want immediately we have to wait.\u00a0 We store the desire until we can satisfy it later.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

Children learn early how to collect psychological stamps and what to trade them for.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

The only difference between paper trading stamps and psychological stamps is that the latter can be reused.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 18)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

After this introduction, the book lists game types, varieties, and categories.\u00a0 The first category is the \u201cTrouble-Maker Games.\u201d\u00a0 Its first variety is \u201cDisruptor Games\u201d and the first game listed is \u201cUproar.\u201d<\/p>\n

Uproar<\/strong><\/p>\n

In this scenario, the fictional student, Muriel, initiates the game with a loud, whining response to Mr. Johnson\u2019s mispronunciation of her name.\u00a0 Mr. Johnson has to analyze Muriel\u2019s approach and determine an effective response.<\/p>\n

The book gives us a description of how \u201cUproar\u201d is played.<\/p>\n

\u2026 an advanced \u201cUproar\u201d player, is determined to get all authority figures to play \u201cUproar\u201d or an allied game.\u00a0 Her opening attack included knuckle-cracking, gum-popping, finger-tapping, pen-clicking, hair-combing, dress-straightening, pencil-sharpening, paper-rattling, clock-watching, coughing, whispering, pencil and book-dropping, paper-tossing, note-passing, turning around, wiggling, coming in late, acting stupid, and trying to sidetrack the lecture.<\/p>\n

\u2026 \u201cbugging\u201d the teacher with a series of small incidents to force him to blow up at her.\u00a0 If Mr. Johnson controlled his temper, she had him at bay and could continue to goad him until he did blow up.\u00a0 Then she would win; she could complain to her friends, other teachers, the principal, and to her parents that he was \u201cunfair\u201d and had picked on her.\u00a0 Her whole aim was to get a game of \u201cUproar\u201d going.<\/p>\n

(GSP, page 17)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Mr. Johnson has several possible responses.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n

    Blow up and bawl out Muriel, as the Tyrant Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  2. \n

    Suffer in silence, as the Martyr Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  3. \n

    Feel hurt, as the Whining Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  4. \n

    Argue, as the Scrapping Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  5. \n

    Kick her out, as the Impatient Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  6. \n

    Fear her, as the Timid Teacher might.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

  7. \n

    Turn her game off by using the Transactional Analysis suggested in this book.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    (GSP, page 19)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    The book gives descriptions of the different \u201cteacher types\u201d.\u00a0 As you can see from the list, all are reactions a person might have in this situation and the book gives reasons why the first six are not effective.<\/p>\n

    The seventh item, using transactional analysis, is explored in detail.<\/p>\n

    \u2026He should look for the reasons people play this game, and very carefully the antithesis, or how to turn off the game. \u2026 She wants attention.<\/p>\n

    (GSP, page 25)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    Mr. Johnson also needs to form a very specific goal for his response.<\/p>\n

    Muriel is an \u201cUproar\u201d player with sixteen years of experience.\u00a0 Mr. Johnson has to remember that he is not likely to change her life style.\u00a0 What he aims for is to knock off the disruptive part of the game in his classroom.<\/p>\n

    (GSP, page 28)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    The book then lists the steps Mr. Johnson can take to shut down Muriel\u2019s game of \u201cUproar.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. \n

      He confirms she is an \u201cUproar\u201d player. \u2026 If she gets punished regularly for noisy and provocative behavior, he can be sure she is a game player.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    2. \n

      He tells her in a calm and firm Adult voice to see him after school. This is a critical point.\u00a0 Johnson has practiced his Parent, Adult, and Child voices, using a tape recorder to learn the difference.\u00a0 Muriel is looking for a Parent voice, so he must take special care to be clearly Adult.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    3. \n

      This step is taken when Muriel comes in after school. It will only be effective if made without a Parent criticism. \u2026 Mr. Johnson tells Muriel about the game of \u201cUproar\u201d and explains how the game interferes with work and interferes with friendship.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    4. \n

      Johnson explains that he is a teacher and that he is paid to help students learn. He must also prevent disruptions.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    5. \n

      He tells her that school is like a free supermarket. The student can go in, load up, and leave without paying because her parents have already paid.\u00a0 If Muriel does not like the grocery clerk she can get even with him by not taking the goodies, or she can ignore her dislike for him and load up anyway.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    6. \n

      Johnson does not reply directly to any of Muriel\u2019s \u201cUproar\u201d comments. His reply is to listen.\u00a0 Active or reflective listening gives verbal feedback of the content and a guess at the feeling implicit in the spoken words or acts.\u00a0 Mr. Johnson might say to Muriel\u2019s complaints, \u201cClass seemed boring today and you are angry at having your name mispronounced.\u00a0 Is that right?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n

    7. \n

      The final step is for Mr. Johnson to establish some sort of rapport with Muriel or get another faculty member to do so.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      (GSP, pages 26 – 27)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The point of the last step is to give Muriel positive attention, to give her the opportunity to stop the \u201cUproar\u201d game because she can get the attention she craves in a meaningful way.<\/p>\n

      The next game is a variation of \u201cUproar\u201d but differs in a significant way.<\/p>\n

      \u201cChip on the Shoulder\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

      In this scenario, Dean is a student who only initiates his game when he has his \u201cchip knocked off his shoulder.\u201d\u00a0 Dean has a sensitive spot, his \u201cchip\u201d, and creates a ruckus to deflect attention away from himself when that chip is knocked off, whereas Muriel actively looked for opportunities to play \u201cUproar.\u201d<\/p>\n

      The given antithesis is \u201cto find out what the student is trying to avoid and then offer him a mutually acceptable alternative.\u201d\u00a0 (GSP, pg 30)<\/p>\n

      Stupid<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Here Denny would do things that others would find \u201cstupid\u201d, like bringing the wrong book to class or holding the wrong end of the baseball bat.\u00a0 He did this so often that after a while, people would call him \u201cstupid\u201d while others would make excuses for him.<\/p>\n

      Mr. Johnson observed Denny and noticed a pattern in his behavior.\u00a0 Basically, Denny would initiate a \u201cstupid\u201d move in front of an audience, be made fun of, then would smile slyly.\u00a0 Apparently, Denny used this game to get attention, much like Muriel did.<\/p>\n

      From this observation, Mr. Johnson confronted Denny in a friendly way, letting Denny know he was aware of the game playing.\u00a0 Although it did not cure Denny of the behavior entirely, it did stop the game in Mr. Johnson\u2019s classroom.<\/p>\n

      Clown<\/strong><\/p>\n

      This student would imitate Mr. Johnson to make the class laugh.\u00a0 The book points out that this isn\u2019t necessarily a game, however Mr. Johnson needs to make sure he doesn\u2019t react negatively as long as the behavior is not disrupting class.<\/p>\n

      Schlemiel<\/strong><\/p>\n

      This student causes problems by \u201cmessing up\u201d other people\u2019s possessions.\u00a0 For example, knocking papers off a desk or stepping on someone\u2019s purse on the floor.\u00a0 Most reactions fall in two categories, \u201cpersecutor\u201d or \u201crescuer.\u201d\u00a0 The persecutor gets angry and the rescuer forgives.\u00a0 In either case, the \u201cSchlemiel\u201d gets the attention he or she seeks and is tempted to behave this way again.\u00a0 The antithesis offered is to \u201cbe told plainly and in an emotionless Adult voice\u201d (GSP, pg 36) not to handle or touch things, and if the student complains that is unfair, to agree.<\/p>\n

      Make Me<\/strong><\/p>\n

      This student doesn\u2019t do the required work and, in some way, demands that the teacher force them to do it.\u00a0 This is a challenge to the teacher\u2019s authority.\u00a0 The antithesis is for the teacher to \u201cset up clear choices and consequences.\u00a0\u00a0 If Laura does the work, fine.\u00a0 If she doesn\u2019t, that is her problem.\u201d (GSP, pg 37)\u00a0 The book also recommends reducing \u201cI\u201d statements from the teacher, like \u201cWhat I want you to do is this\u201d since that now makes the work to be done for the teacher, instead of for the student herself.<\/p>\n

      The book summarizes these six disruptor games by emphasizing that the teacher does not provide the \u201cpayoff\u201d the player is looking for.\u00a0 The responses should be in the calm Adult voice and the teacher should look to give positive attention to replace the negative attention the student may be seeking.<\/p>\n

      The next variety of disruptor games is the delinquent variety.\u00a0 These are \u201cLet\u2019s Find\u201d, where the students get into trouble; \u201cCops and Robbers\u201d, where the students break rules and try to fool the teachers; and \u201cWant Out\u201d, where the student works to get kicked out of school but then sneaks back in.<\/p>\n

      Delinquent games are especially likely to be played by those who are having identity problems.\u00a0 To help in establishing his identity to himself and others, every growing youngster makes some identifying mark on a wall, a piece of furniture, or a tree.\u00a0 As he grows and proceeds through school he will decide on a series of best ways to \u201cleave his mark.\u201d \u2026 If a delinquent game player leaves a mark he is assured that his mark is more likely to be permanent.\u00a0 (GSP, pg 45)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The book lists a variety of physical cues to help the reader identify the various ego states on pages 49 through 51.\u00a0 It emphasizes that these cues must be taken in their cultural context and that the manifestations may be only a few seconds in duration, so often the teacher has a subliminal feeling for the situation.<\/p>\n

      It also cautions,<\/p>\n

      Each student sees and hears those things that fits his script and the games in it.\u00a0 No psychological game is played alike twice, \u2026, but the patterns, the rules, and the positions remain alike.<\/p>\n

      \u2026<\/p>\n

      Each game a student plays will be played only as long as the teacher and\/or the students also play.\u00a0 Learning about the games that are played in the classroom will help to turn off the one which interfere with education.<\/p>\n

      \u2026<\/p>\n

      There will be cases in which the teacher cannot turn off the turmoil.\u00a0 The choice of action cannot be random.\u00a0 Each action must be antithetical to the specific game.\u00a0 What game a person plays is determined by the person\u2019s script, or unconscious life play, and his position, or how he sees himself or others.<\/p>\n

      (GSP, pg 53)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The second category of games is called \u201cPut-Down Games\u201d, with the goal of psychological one-upmanship.\u00a0 The variety is \u201cDiscount.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Sweetheart<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Take an insult or a hurt for someone, disguise or sugarcoat it, and you have the game of \u201cSweetheart.\u201d\u00a0 The reason for sugarcoating is the rule of politeness.\u00a0 \u2026\u00a0 The only way to disagree and at the same time be compliant is to disguise the disagreement.\u00a0 (GSP, pg 59)<\/p>\n

      Antithesis<\/em>:\u00a0 This is a harmless game in itself.\u00a0 When it is pulled on Mr. Johnson, he has learned to not take offense at the remarks.\u00a0 He refuses the depression or anger stamps.\u00a0 He looks at the comment, picks out the \u201cnice\u201d candy-coating part and thanks the \u201cSweetheart\u201d player for that.\u00a0 (GSP, pg 60)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      Blemish<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Basically fault-finding, no matter how small, by the player who wants the \u201cperfect\u201d teacher.\u00a0 Generally, not a disruption in the classroom.\u00a0 Sometimes shows up with administration.<\/p>\n

      The second variety is \u201cComplainer.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Why Does It Always Happen to Me?<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student feels sorry for himself and complains about how everything wrong always happens to him.\u00a0 The way to reduce this game is to have a list of assignments or duties that the student is aware of and removes the teacher from the responsibility of it.<\/p>\n

      Indigence<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student claims interest in getting the work done as long as the teacher is reminding him of it, but when left to actually do the work, fails to accomplish it and has a lot of excuses.\u00a0 The goal is to put in minimum effort and get the Parent ego of the teacher to be in charge.\u00a0 The antithesis is to put the responsibility onto the student with clearly defined goals and deadlines.<\/p>\n

      Why Don\u2019t You \u2013 Yes, But<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student has many excuses why the work can\u2019t be done.\u00a0 The teacher offers suggestions, but the student always has a reason why it won\u2019t work.\u00a0 One way to shut this down is for the teacher to say, \u201cThat is quite a problem.\u00a0 What do you intend to do about it?\u201d\u00a0 (GSP, pg 67)<\/p>\n

      Late Paper<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student claims the work is done but forgotten at home and says he will bring it in later.\u00a0 However, it never makes it in.\u00a0 The book suggests that the deadline be made earlier than really wanted or made flexible.<\/p>\n

      Wooden Leg<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student uses a real or imagined disability as an excuse to avoid doing work.\u00a0 The suggested solution is to offer an alternative assignment, which diffuses the complaint in the classroom.<\/p>\n

      The third category is \u201cTempter Games.\u201d\u00a0 These are games of subtlety and its variety is \u201cKissy.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Disciple<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student is willing to work for one teacher but not another.\u00a0 Often the student sees the preferred teacher as a parent figure, and he wants to please him or her.\u00a0 The solution offered is for the second teacher, and suggests that teacher try to make a connection with the student, too.<\/p>\n

      Lil Ol\u2019 Me<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student attempts to manipulate the teacher by agreeing with everything he says and proclaiming her life has been changed by the teacher\u2019s words.\u00a0 The teacher avoids this manipulation by recognizing the game.<\/p>\n

      The next tempter variety is called \u201cTrap-Baiter.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Let\u2019s You and Him Fight<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student tries to get two people (presumably the teacher and another student) to argue by making provocative statements.\u00a0 The trap-baiter then watches the battle ensue.\u00a0 The antithesis is to put the question back to the baiter.<\/p>\n

      Miss Muffet<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student tells his parent or non-teacher authority a twisted version of what the teacher said or did in the classroom.\u00a0 This gives the parent an opportunity to react strongly and become enraged at what was said or done around their darling child.\u00a0 The antithesis is to explain using the Adult ego state and, under no circumstances, try to defend against the accusations.<\/p>\n

      Let \u2018em Have It<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student bothers the instructor repeatedly until the instructor tells him to make an appointment or to quit bothering her.\u00a0 Then the student tells a parent or non-teacher authority that the teacher doesn\u2019t like him or is picking on him.\u00a0 The solution is to tell the student early on in the game to stop being a bother.<\/p>\n

      High and Proud<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student flaunts foul language, rude or offensive images, or poor behavior, intending to provoke a reaction.\u00a0 The solution is to ignore it unless it breaks a school rule, then respond with a calm Adult voice to define the rule.<\/p>\n

      Do Me Something<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The student\u2019s attitude is \u201cTry to teach me\u201d with the obvious goal of showing the teacher he won\u2019t be taught.\u00a0 The antithesis is to avoid \u201cI\u201d statements.<\/p>\n

      \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The other listed games deal directly with students who tempt the teacher or classmates with sexual behavior.\u00a0 The best deflection is to avoid any sort of response that could be interpreted as an interested response.<\/p>\n

      The final category is \u201cTeacher Games\u201d, game that teachers or administrators might play with other teachers.\u00a0 Many are variations on the student games listed above.<\/p>\n

      My Response to Games Students Play<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

      I found the game descriptions to be helpful as I could bring up an example from my own teaching experience for many of them.\u00a0 I realized that I had identified them as a sort of game-playing, although I wasn\u2019t aware of it in the same detail as pointed out in the book.\u00a0 \u201cUproar\u201d is one that I have seen many times, with variations, and the behavioral cues the book listed was astonishingly enlightening.\u00a0 I hope to be more adept at shutting it down the next time it occurs.<\/p>\n

      Some of the games listed I felt were not ones that would occur in a community college classroom.\u00a0 The fact that we only have our students for short times a few days a week cuts down on the solution of spending time getting to know them better outside the classroom or talking to other teachers about the student\u2019s previous behavior.\u00a0 Those are the games that I either summarized very quickly or just mentioned in passing.<\/p>\n

      Some of the solutions are also not ones I would use as a professor.\u00a0 For example, allowing flexible deadlines or alternative assignments because a student plays some sort of delaying game.\u00a0 I feel this does the student a disservice in making him believe deadlines are negotiable or worthless.\u00a0\u00a0 And although the book claims that removing a student from the classroom is not a solution and just passes the problem on to someone else, I feel it is a valid solution for a student who refuses to stop disrupting my class.<\/p>\n

      My thoughts focused strongly on the idea that my job is to teach, and I should not allow any student to disrupt that.\u00a0 I appreciated how the book emphasized the need to shut down the game playing quickly, before it escalates.\u00a0 I also have a better understanding of my own ego state reactions to the situations, so I might be able to shift from a reactive Parent state to a more thoughtful Adult state.<\/p>\n

      What I hope to apply to my classroom is a heightened awareness of the game-playing, an appropriate set of shutting down strategies, and better control of my own emotional reaction in the classroom.<\/p>\n

      ____________________________<\/p>\n

      Games People Play<\/u> by Eric Berne, M.D.; Random House Publishing, 2004; ISBN 978-0-345-41003-0<\/strong><\/p>\n

      I read this book after reading Games Students Play<\/em>, when I realized I needed a deeper understanding of the concepts, terminology, and ideas.\u00a0 That is the focus of this review.\u00a0 This book has a lot of text devoted to helping a counselor or therapist manage clients, which is not relevant to my purpose.<\/p>\n

      _________<\/p>\n

      This book was originally written in 1962 and it became extremely popular.\u00a0 Its terms became part of the pop culture in the 1960s and 70s.\u00a0 Today people recognize that \u201ctransactional analysis is a serious cognitive-behavioral approach to treatment and that it also has very effective ways of dealing with internal models of self and others as well as other psychodynamic issues.\u201d (GPP, pg vi)<\/p>\n

      I was interested in the book\u2019s detailed description of the three ego states: Child, Parent, Adult.<\/p>\n

      Berne described ego states as coherent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that occur together.\u00a0 Today, we can also conceptualize them as the manifestations of specific neural networks in the brain.\u00a0 Thanks to advances in neuroimaging, neural networks can actually be visualized.<\/p>\n

      Berne labeled networks that develop early in life as Child ego states.\u00a0 When we activate one of these, we act like the child we once were.\u00a0 Networks which represent the internalization of the people who raised us, as we experienced them, Berne named Parent.\u00a0 When in Parent we think, feel, and act like one of our parents or like someone who took their place.\u00a0 Ego states which deal with the here and now in a nonemotional way are called Adult.\u00a0 When in Adult, we appraise reality objectively and make fact-based decisions, while making sure that Child or Parent emotions or ideas do not contaminate the process.<\/p>\n

      It should be noted that ego states are real and observable, not hypothetical like the ego, id, and superego of psychoanalysis.\u00a0 It should also be noted that we all have three ego states and that we energize different ones depending on what is appropriate to the time and circumstances.\u00a0 That is, the Adult, which is an ego state or a group of ego states, is not the same thing as a grown-up adult human being.<\/p>\n

      Once an ego state is recognized, it is more easily recognized again, and this conceptualization gives us a way to describe transactions between ego states within the individual or between different people.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pg viii)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The above text is from the introduction written in 2004.\u00a0 What follows is a description from Berne\u2019s original writing.<\/p>\n

      In technical language, an ego state may be described phenomenologically as a coherent system of feelings, and operationally as a set of coherent behavior patterns.\u00a0 \u2026\u00a0 Each individual seems to have available a limited repertoire of such ego states, which are not roles but psychological realities.\u00a0 This repertoire can be sorted into the following categories:\u00a0 (1) ego states which resemble those of parental figures (2) ego states which are autonomously directed toward objective appraisal of reality and (3) those which represent archaic relics, still-active ego states which were fixated in early childhood.<\/p>\n

      \u2026<\/p>\n

      The position is, then, that at any given moment each individual in a social aggregation will exhibit a Parental, Adult, or Child ego state, and that individuals can shift with varying degrees of readiness from one ego state to another.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pgs 23-24)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      He goes on to describe the purpose or value of these ego states to an individual.<\/p>\n

      Ego states are normal psychological phenomenon.\u00a0 \u2026 Each type of ego state has its own vital value for the human organism.<\/p>\n

      In the Child reside intuition, creativity and spontaneous drive and enjoyment.<\/p>\n

      The Adult is necessary for survival.\u00a0 It process data and computes the probabilities which are essential for dealing effectively with the outside world. \u2026 Another task of the Adult is to regulate the activities of the Parent and the Child, and to mediate objectively between them.<\/p>\n

      The Parent has two main functions.\u00a0 First, it enables the individual to act effectively as the parent of actual children, thus promoting the survival of the human race.\u00a0 \u2026 Secondly, it makes many responses automatic, which conserves a great deal of time and energy.\u00a0 Many things are done because \u201cThat\u2019s the way it\u2019s done.\u201d\u00a0 This frees the Adult from the necessity of making innumerable trivial decisions, so that it can devote itself to more important issues, leaving routine matters to the Parent.<\/p>\n

      Thus all three aspects of the personality have a high survival and living value, and it is only when one or the other of them disturbs the healthy balance that analysis and reorganization are indicated.\u00a0 Otherwise each of them, Parent, Adult, and Child, is entitled to equal respect and has its legitimate place in a full and productive life.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pgs 27-28)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The book then describes Transactional Analysis.\u00a0 It starts with defining terms.<\/p>\n

      The unit of social intercourse is called a transaction.\u00a0 If two or more people encounter each other in a social aggregation, sooner or later one of them will speak, or give some other indication of acknowledging the presence of the others.\u00a0 This is called transactional stimulus<\/em>.\u00a0 Another person will then say or do something which is in some way related to this stimulus, and that is called the transactional response<\/em>.\u00a0 Simple transactional analysis is concerned with diagnosing which ego state implemented the transactional stimulus, and which one executed the transactional response.<\/p>\n

      …<\/p>\n

      Both these transactions are complementary<\/em>; that is, the response is appropriate and expected and follows the natural order of healthy human relationships.<\/p>\n

      \u2026<\/p>\n

      The first rule of communication is that communication will proceed smoothly as long as transactions are complementary; and its corollary is that as long as transactions are complementary, communication can, in principle, proceed indefinitely.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pgs 29-30)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The book points out that complementary transactions tend to be the ones where the ego states match up, for example the stimulus is from an Adult to an Adult, and the response is from an Adult to an Adult; or the stimulus is from a Child to a Parent and elicits a response from a Parent to a Child.<\/p>\n

      It then says that communication is \u201cbroken off when a crossed transaction<\/em> occurs.\u201d (GPP, pg 30).\u00a0 For example, the stimulus is from an Adult to an Adult, but the response is from a Child to a Parent.\u00a0 It gives a specific instance of this:<\/p>\n

      The stimulus is Adult-Adult: e.g., \u201cMaybe we should find out why you\u2019ve been drinking more lately,\u201d or, \u201cDo you know where my cuff links are?\u201d\u00a0 The appropriate Adult-Adult response in each case would be: \u201cMaybe we should.\u00a0 I\u2019d certainly like to know!\u201d or, \u201cOn the desk.\u201d\u00a0 If the respondent flares up, however, the responses will be something like \u201cYou\u2019re always criticizing me, just like my father did,\u201d or, \u201cYou always blame me for everything.\u201d\u00a0 These are both Child-Parent responses \u2026\u00a0 In such cases the Adult problems about drinking or cuff links must be suspended \u2026 Either the agent must become Parental as a complement to the respondent\u2019s suddenly activated Child, or the respondent\u2019s Adult must be reactivated to the agent\u2019s Adult.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pg 31)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      There is a distinction between the types of complementary transactions.<\/p>\n

      Simple complementary transactions most commonly occur in superficial working and social relationships, and these are easily disturbed by simple crossed transactions.\u00a0 In fact a superficial relationship may be defined as one which is confined to simple complementary transactions.\u00a0 Such relationships occur in activities, rituals and patterns.\u00a0 More complex are ulterior transactions<\/em> \u2013 those involving the activity of more than two ego states simultaneously \u2013 and this category is the basis for games.\u00a0 Salesmen are particularly adept at angular transactions<\/em>, those involving three ego states.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pg 33)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      The idea of the salesman\u2019s angular transactions is that the transaction may be Adult-Adult at the social level<\/em> but Adult-Child at the psychological level<\/em>.\u00a0 The salesman directs the overt statement to the Adult of the person to whom he wishes to sell something, but the underlying implication is to the Child in order to manipulate the person to buy.<\/p>\n

      There is also a duplex ulterior transaction<\/em> that involves four ego states, often seen in flirtation, where the comments are Adult-Adult, but the psychological implications are Child-Child.<\/p>\n

      There are distinctions between procedures, rituals, pastimes, and games.\u00a0 They all serve to help us structure time.\u00a0 In particular,<\/p>\n

      A game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome.\u00a0 Descriptively it is a recurring set of transactions. often repetitious, superficially plausible, with a concealed motivation; or, more colloquially, a series of moves with a snare, or \u201cgimmick.\u201d\u00a0 Games are clearly differentiated from procedures, rituals, and pastimes by two chief characteristics:\u00a0 (1) their ulterior quality and (2) the payoff. \u2026 Every game \u2026 is basically dishonest, and the outcome has a dramatic, as distinct from merely exciting, quality.<\/p>\n

      (GPP, pg 48)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      While there are games that are consciously planned, \u201cWhat we are concerned about here, however, are the unconscious games played by innocent people engaged in duplex transactions of which they are not fully aware, and which form the most important aspect of social life all over the world.\u201d (GPP, pg 49).<\/p>\n

      There is a structure or scheme to analyzing games.\u00a0 The steps are:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. \n
          \n
        1. Thesis \u2013 \u201ca general description of the game, including the immediate sequence of events\u201d (GPP, pg 52)<\/li>\n
        2. Antithesis \u2013 the moves or reactions that are needed to undercut the payoff or to stop the game.<\/li>\n
        3. Aim \u2013 the general purpose of the game, or its alternatives<\/li>\n
        4. Roles \u2013 who is playing which part, as based on the ego states used in the game<\/li>\n
        5. Dynamics \u2013 the driving force behind the game<\/li>\n
        6. Examples \u2013 to help understand the game\u2019s origins and to assist in the formal description; often referring to children\u2019s games because that is often how the adult games are formed<\/li>\n
        7. Transactional paradigm \u2013 a description of the social and psychological levels that reveal the ulterior transaction<\/li>\n
        8. Moves \u2013 the behaviors or transactions used by the players<\/li>\n
        9. Advantages \u2013 what the players get out of the game playing; could be biological, existential, social, or psychological<\/li>\n
        10. Relatives \u2013 complementary, allied, or antithetical games<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          The book also addresses the function of games in more detail.<\/p>\n

          Because there is so little opportunity for intimacy in daily life, and because some forms of intimacy are psychologically impossible for most people, the bulk of the time in serious social life is taken up with playing games.\u00a0 Hence games are both necessary and desirable, and the only problem at issue is whether the games played by an individual offer the best yield for him.\u00a0 In this connection is should be remembered that the essential feature of a game is its culmination, or payoff.\u00a0 The principal function of the preliminary moves is to set up the situation for this payoff, but they are always designed to harvest the maximum permissible satisfaction at each step as a secondary product.<\/p>\n

          (GPP, pg 61)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

          One important point:\u00a0 most games are identified and described by therapists, as seen in people who play destructive games.\u00a0 There are also constructive games.\u00a0 For example, \u201cto go around asking for advice about how best to help people.\u00a0 This is an example of a jolly and constructive game worth encouraging.\u201d\u00a0 (GPP, pg 80)<\/p>\n

          A \u201cgood\u201d game might be described as one whose social contribution outweighs the complexity of its motivations, particularly if the player has come to terms with those motivations without futility or cynicism.\u00a0 That is, a \u201cgood\u201d game would be one which contributes both to the well-being of the other players and to the unfolding of the one who is \u201cit.\u201d<\/p>\n

          (GPP, pg 163)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

          The thesaurus of games I found worth reading, both to see what games my students might play and to understand what games I might play or have encountered in my life, but I am not going to try to list them in this review.<\/p>\n

          The book then discusses the significance of games.<\/p>\n

            \n
          1. \n
              \n
            1. Historical \u2013 \u201cGames are passed on from generation to generation. \u2026 Games may be diluted or altered from one generation to another, but there seems to be a strong tendency to inbreed with people who play a game of the same family, if not of the same genus.\u201d (GPP, pg 171)<\/li>\n
            2. Cultural \u2013 \u201c\u2019Raising\u2019 children is primarily a matter of teaching them what games to play.\u201d (GPP, pg 171)<\/li>\n
            3. Social \u2013 Social time needs to be structured. It can be filled with pastimes and\/or intimacy, but pastimes can get boring and intimacy is often scary or socially forbidden.\u00a0 Playing games can be a compromise activity.<\/li>\n
            4. Personal \u2013 \u201cPeople pick as friends, associates and intimates other people who play the same games. Hence \u2018everybody who is anybody\u2019 in a given social circle \u2026 behaves in a way which may seem quite foreign to members of a different social circle.\u201d (GPP, pg 172)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

              My Response to Games People Play<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

              It met my need in that it gave me a better understanding of the terminology, concepts, and ideas presented in the Games Students Play<\/em> book.\u00a0 I feel that, as an amateur, I can now reflect on my teaching experiences and start identifying the games my students have played and be aware of any that arise in the future.\u00a0 I also feel that I can examine my own reactions from the ego state perspective and attempt to respond appropriately to the student games while also reducing the chance that I might be playing a game with the students.<\/p>\n

              I was grateful for the knowledge that there are good games, as I was beginning to think that game playing as a social interaction could only be destructive.\u00a0 Seeing the various types of game significance helped with my attitude toward games, too.<\/p>\n

              Chapter 15 gives an example of an Adult-Adult conversation that contained certain words or phrases which I thought would have sparked an argument or petulant Child reaction.\u00a0 The book includes a discussion as to why they didn\u2019t cause problems, pointing out the Adult analytical aspect of the conversation.\u00a0 I appreciated this because it is helpful to know the difference between the Adult response and the Child response.<\/p>\n

              ____________________<\/p>\n

              Between Parent and Child<\/u> by Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Avon Books, ISBN 0-380-00821-1<\/strong><\/p>\n

              I first read this book around 1989 and it greatly influenced my child-rearing practices.\u00a0 In fact, it influenced the way I speak to everyone, especially during conflicts.\u00a0 After reading Games Students Play<\/u> and Games People Play<\/u>, I thought it was worthwhile rereading this book to see how its ideas connected with theirs.\u00a0 This review only covers the parts I thought are relevant to the community college classroom.<\/p>\n

              If you pay attention to how people talk to each other, both spontaneously and scripted (as in television or movie shows), you can see we have a culturally-implanted habit of using insults.\u00a0 Phrases like \u201cyou shouldn\u2019t have done that, you idiot\u201d or \u201cthat was a stupid thing to do\u201d or \u201cobviously you can\u2019t do this\u201d are common.\u00a0 Between Parent and Child<\/u> points this out and reveals the internal emotional reactions people have to them.\u00a0 It also offers alternatives which allow us to communicate with others in a more productive, less reactive way.<\/p>\n

              While its focus is on communications between parents and their children, in the summary I will interpret it for communication between teachers and their students.<\/p>\n

              ________________\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad<\/p>\n

              The book presents a conversation between three women and the group leader.\u00a0 The leader describes a scenario:\u00a0 it is a busy morning and, in getting everyone ready for school and work, the toast is burned.\u00a0 Then the leader gives different reactions the husband could have: (1) \u201cMy God!\u00a0 When will you ever learn to make toast!\u201d, (2) \u201cLet me show you, honey, how to make toast.\u201d, or (3) \u201cGee, honey, it is a rough morning for you \u2013 the baby, the phone, and now the toast.\u201d\u00a0 (BPC, pgs 28-29) Each woman responds to the husband\u2019s comments and it is clear that the third reaction was the one that was appreciated and did not cause resentment.<\/p>\n

              The first two comments caused the women to feel anger at their husbands while the third communicated compassion and support during a difficult moment.<\/p>\n

              The women realized that they tended to use comments like (1) and (2) when communicating with their children.\u00a0 It was then they realized why their children reacted so negatively to them.\u00a0 They also recognized that their own parents talked to them the same way when they were children, and how much they hated it.\u00a0 In fact, some commented how much they hated themselves when they heard themselves talking like that to their children.<\/p>\n

              What they realized in themselves and in their children is:<\/p>\n

              When a child is in the midst of strong emotions, he cannot listen to anyone.\u00a0 He cannot accept advice or consolation or constructive criticism. (BPC, pg 26)<\/p>\n

              A child\u2019s strong feelings do not disappear when he is told, \u201cIt is not nice to feel that way,\u201d or when the parent tries to convince him that he \u201chas no reason to feel that way.\u201d (BPC, pg 27)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              In order to change this destructive cycle, the book gives strategies for a person\u2019s attitude and wording when responding to challenging situations:<\/p>\n

              The new code of communication with children is based on respect and on skill.\u00a0 It requires (a<\/em>) that messages preserve the child\u2019s as well as the parent\u2019s self-respect; (b<\/em>) that statements of understanding precede<\/em> statements of advice or instruction. (BPC, pg 25)<\/p>\n

              Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.\u00a0 This statement holds true not only for children, but also for adults \u2026\u00a0 (BPC, pgs 27-28)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              The book points out that<\/p>\n

              Children love and resent us at the same time.\u00a0 They feel two ways about parents, teachers, and all persons who have authority over them.\u00a0 Parents find it difficult to accept ambivalence as a fact of life.\u00a0 They do not like it in themselves and cannot tolerate it in their children.\u00a0 They think that there is something inherently wrong in feeling two ways about people\u2026<\/p>\n

              We can learn to accept the existence of ambivalent feelings in ourselves and in our children.\u00a0 To avoid unnecessary conflicts, children need to know that such feelings are normal and natural. \u2026<\/p>\n

              A calm, noncritical statement of their ambivalence is helpful to children because it conveys to them that even their \u201cmixed-up\u201d feelings are not beyond comprehension. \u2026<\/p>\n

              (BPC, pgs 37-38)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              So what techniques can be employed to improve our communication?\u00a0 The first is a focus on praise.<\/p>\n

              The single, most important rule is that praise deal only with the child\u2019s efforts and accomplishments, not<\/em> with his character and personality.<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              Words of praise should mirror for the child a realistic<\/em> picture of his accomplishments<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              Direct praise of personality, like direct sunlight, is uncomfortable and blinding.\u00a0 It is embarrassing for a person to be told that he is wonderful, angelic, generous, and humble.\u00a0 He feels called upon to deny at least part of the praise.\u00a0 Publicly, he cannot stand up and say, \u201cThank you, I accept your words that I am wonderful.\u201d\u00a0 Privately, too, he must reject such praise.<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              Our comments should be so phrased that the child draws from them positive inferences about his personality.<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              Our words should state clearly that we appreciate the child\u2019s effort, work, achievement, help, consideration, or creation.<\/p>\n

              (BPC, pgs 45-47)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              What is important is that the praise describes the accomplishment.\u00a0 Examples I have used in the classroom are: \u201cThat was an insightful question,\u201d \u201cIt was kind of you to give your classmate a paperclip,\u201d and \u201cI like the way you explained that to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

              The second focus is on criticism.<\/p>\n

              When is criticism constructive and when is it destructive?\u00a0 Constructive criticism confines itself to pointing out how to do what has to be done, entirely omitting negative remarks about the personality of the child.<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              When things go wrong is not the right time to teach on offender about his personality.\u00a0 When things go wrong, it is best to deal only with the event, not with the person.<\/p>\n

              (BPC, pg 51)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              Examples I have used are: (1) When a student told me he left his work at home on the day it was due, \u201cI don\u2019t accept late work.\u00a0 I hope it doesn\u2019t happen again.\u201d\u00a0 (2) When a student arrived late after being told she could not be late any more, \u201cYou understood last time that you cannot be late again.\u00a0 You need to leave now but you can try to be on time again for the next class.\u201d<\/p>\n

              Next, the book discusses the impact of abusive adjectives.<\/p>\n

              Abusive adjectives, like poisonous arrows, are to be used only against enemies \u2026\u00a0 When a person says, \u201cThis is an ugly chair,\u201d nothing happens to the chair.\u00a0 \u2026 However, when a child is called ugly or stupid or clumsy, something does happen to the child.\u00a0 There are reactions in his body and in his soul.\u00a0 There are resentment and anger and hate.\u00a0 There are fantasies about revenge. \u2026 And there may be undesirable behavior and symptoms. (BPC, pgs 54-55)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              At this point in the book, one might get the impression that a parent should, at all times, be the model of patience, calmness, and understanding.\u00a0 Not so.\u00a0 The next focus is on handling our own anger.<\/p>\n

              In our own childhood, we were not taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life.\u00a0 We were made to feel guilty for experiencing anger and sinful for expressing it.\u00a0 We were led to believe that to be angry is to be bad.\u00a0 Anger was not only a misdemeanor:\u00a0 it was a felony.<\/p>\n

              With our own children, we try to be patient; in fact, so patient that sooner or later we must explode.<\/p>\n

              \u2026<\/p>\n

              Anger, like the common cold, is a recurrent problem.\u00a0 We may not like it, but we cannot ignore it. \u2026 Anger arises in predictable sequences and situations, yet is always seems sudden and unexpected. \u2026<\/p>\n

              When we lose our temper, we act as thought we have lost our sanity.\u00a0 We say and do things to our children that we would hesitate to inflict on an enemy.\u00a0 We yell, insult, and hit below the belt. \u2026<\/p>\n

              Resolutions about not becoming angry are worse than futile.\u00a0 They only add fuel to the fire. \u2026 The peaceful home, \u2026, does not depend on a sudden benevolent change in human nature.\u00a0 It does depend on deliberate procedures that methodically reduce tensions before they lead to explosions.<\/p>\n

              There is a place for parental anger in child education.\u00a0 In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness.\u00a0 Those who care cannot altogether shun anger.\u00a0 This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it only means that they can stand and understand anger which says: \u201cThere are limits to my tolerance.\u201d<\/p>\n

              \u2026 Anger should so come out that it brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them. \u2026 We are not interested in creating or perpetuating waves of anger, defiance, retaliation, and revenge.\u00a0 On the contrary, we want to get our point across and let the stormy clouds evaporate.<\/p>\n

              Three steps to survival<\/em>. \u2013 To prepare ourselves in times of peace to deal with times of stress, we should acknowledge the following truths:<\/p>\n

                \n
              1. We accept the fact that children will make us angry.<\/li>\n
              2. We are entitled to our anger without guilt or shame.<\/li>\n
              3. Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel. We can express our angry feelings provided<\/em> we do not attack the child\u2019s personality or character.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                These assumptions should be implemented in concrete procedures for dealing with anger.\u00a0 The first step in handling turbulent feelings is to identify them loudly by name. \u2026 If our short statements and long faces have not brought relief, we proceed to the second step.\u00a0 We express our anger with increasing intensity\u2026 At other times it may be necessary to proceed to the third step, which is to give the reason for our anger, to state our inner reactions, and wishful<\/em> actions.<\/p>\n

                (BPC, pgs 55-58)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Examples of the procedures are, \u201cWhen you continue talking with your neighbor, I feel annoyed.\u201d\u00a0 Or, \u201cWhen you are late again, I get so mad I want to lock the door.\u201d\u00a0 These sorts of statements feel somewhat awkward in the classroom.\u00a0 My preference is to describe the situation:\u00a0 \u201cTalking to your neighbor is disruptive and needs to stop.\u201d<\/p>\n

                The book spends time discussing self-defeating patterns of behavior.\u00a0 This includes \u201cthreats, bribes, promises, sarcasm, sermons on lying and stealing, and rude teaching of politeness.\u201d (BPC, pg 63) Threats are invitations to misbehavior; often the person receiving the threat will misbehave to prove his autonomy.\u00a0 Instead, one should uphold the standards of acceptable behavior and enforce the consequences of the actions without any damage to the person\u2019s ego.<\/p>\n

                A similar situation happens with bribes.\u00a0 \u201cOur very words convey to him that we doubt his ability to change for the better.\u201d (BPC, pg 65) Some people respond to bribes by \u201cbargaining and blackmail, and to ever increasing demands for prizes and fringe benefits in exchange for \u2018good\u2019 behavior. \u2026 Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation.\u201d (BPC, pg 66)<\/p>\n

                As for promises, they \u201cshould neither be made to, nor demanded of, children. \u2026 Relations with our children should be built on trust.\u00a0 When a parent must make promises to emphasize that he means what he says, then he is as much as admitting that his \u2018unpromised\u2019 word is not trustworthy.\u201d (BPC, pg 66)<\/p>\n

                Sarcasm blocks communication \u201cby stirring children to preoccupation with revenge fantasies.\u201d (BPC, pg 68)<\/p>\n

                Lying is a behavior that can be understood by knowing the reasons behind it.\u00a0 The first is about why children lie in the first place:\u00a0 It could be because they are not allowed to tell the truth.\u00a0 The parental reaction to the truth is so negative that the child lies to avoid it.\u00a0 \u201cIf we want to teach honesty, then we must be prepared to listen to bitter truths as well as to pleasant truths.\u201d\u00a0 (BPC, pg 69)<\/p>\n

                It could be that the child lies<\/p>\n

                to give themselves in fantasy what they lack in reality. \u2026 Lies tell truths about fears and hopes. \u2026 A mature reaction to a lie should reflect understanding of its meaning, rather than denial of its content or condemnation of its author. (BPC, pg 69)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Finally, there is provoked lying.<\/p>\n

                Children resent being interrogated by a parent, especially when they suspect that the answers are already known.\u00a0 They hate questions that are traps, questions that force them to choose between an awkward lie or an embarrassing confession. (BPC, pg 70)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                It important to know how to deal with lying.<\/p>\n

                Our policy towards lying is clear:\u00a0 on the one hand, we should not play D.A. or ask for confessions or make a federal case out of a tall story.\u00a0 On the other hand, we should not hesitate to call a spade a spade.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                In short, we do not provoke the child into defensive lying, nor do we intentionally set up opportunities for lying.\u00a0 When a child does lie, our reaction should be not hysterical and moralistic, but factual and realistic.\u00a0 We want our child to learn that there is no need to lie to us.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                The rule is that when we know the answer, we do not ask the question.<\/em><\/p>\n

                (BPC, pg 71-73)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                An example from my experience is when I saw a student using a cellphone in class and I called her name.\u00a0 She dropped the phone into her lap to hide it.\u00a0 I stated, \u201cCellphone use during class is not allowed.\u201d\u00a0 She responded by telling me she wasn\u2019t using her phone.\u00a0 I said, \u201cThe cellphone in your lap needs to be put out of reach.\u201d\u00a0 At this point she looked chagrined and put the phone into her backpack.<\/p>\n

                The book\u2019s next section explores responsibility: \u201cAre there any definite attitudes and practices that are likely to create a desired sense of responsibility in our children?\u201d (BPC, pg 81) To answer, we first recognize that responsibility \u201crequires daily practice in exercising judgment and in making choices about matters appropriate to one\u2019s age and comprehension.\u201d\u00a0 (BPC, pg 87)<\/p>\n

                Responsibility is fostered by allowing children a voice, and wherever indicated, a choice, in matters that affect them.\u00a0 A deliberate distinction is made here between a voice and a choice.\u00a0 There are matters affecting the child\u2019s welfare that are exclusively within our realm of responsibility.\u00a0 In such matters he may have a voice, but not a choice.\u00a0 We make the choice for him\u2014while helping him to accept the inevitable. (BPC, pg 87)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                One example I can offer is when a student is disruptive in class.\u00a0 I will at first give a warning, asking him to stop disrupting.\u00a0 If he persists, I might say, \u201cYou have a choice.\u00a0 You can stop being disruptive and stay in the class, or you can take your things and leave.\u201d\u00a0 If he decides to stay and stops his disruption, I consider the problem over.\u00a0 But if he stays and continues to disrupt, I say, \u201cYou are choosing to leave.\u00a0 Take your things and leave now.\u201d<\/p>\n

                The book concludes this section with this advice:<\/p>\n

                A good parent, like a good teacher, is one who makes himself increasingly dispensable<\/em> to children.\u00a0 He finds satisfaction in relationships that lead children to make their own choices and to use their own powers.\u00a0 In conversations with children, we can consciously use phrases that indicate our belief in their capacity to make wise decisions for themselves.\u00a0 Thus, when our inner response to a child\u2019s request is \u201cyes,\u201d we can express it in statements designed to foster the child\u2019s independence. (BPC, pgs 102-103)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Examples: \u201cIf that is what you want.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIt is entirely your choice.\u201d \u201cWhatever you decide is fine with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

                In the section on discipline, we have these two words defined:<\/p>\n

                Permissiveness is an attitude of accepting the childishness of children. \u2026 The essence of permissiveness is the acceptance of children as persons who have a constitutional right to have all kinds of feelings and wishes. \u2026 permitted expression is through appropriate symbolic means.\u00a0 Destructive behavior is not permitted; \u2026<\/p>\n

                In short, permissiveness is the acceptance of imaginary and symbolic behavior.\u00a0 Overpermissiveness is the allowing of undesirable acts.\u00a0 Permissiveness brings confidence and an increasing capacity to express feelings and thoughts.\u00a0 Overpermissiveness brings anxiety and increasing demands for privileges that cannot be granted.<\/p>\n

                The cornerstone of \u2026 discipline is the distinction between wishes and acts.\u00a0 We set limits on acts; we do not restrict wishes. \u2026 At times, identification of the child\u2019s feelings may in itself be sufficient to clear the air.<\/p>\n

                (BPC, pgs 110-111)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Discipline in itself has guidelines.<\/p>\n

                The limits are set in a manner that preserves the self-respect of the parent as well as the child.\u00a0 The limits are neither arbitrary nor capricious, but educational and character-building.<\/p>\n

                The restrictions are applied without violence or excessive anger.\u00a0 The child\u2019s resentment of the restrictions is anticipated and understood; he is not punished additionally for not liking prohibitions.<\/p>\n

                (BPC, pg 113)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Next are the techniques for setting limits.<\/p>\n

                A limit should be so stated that it tells the child clearly (a<\/em>) what constitutes unacceptable conduct; (b<\/em>) what substitute will be accepted.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                It is preferable that a limit be total rather than partial. \u2026 Such a vague statement leaves the child without a clear criterion for making decisions.<\/p>\n

                A limit must be stated firmly, so that it carries only one message to the child: \u201cThis prohibition is for real.\u00a0 I mean business.\u201d\u00a0 When a parent is not sure of what to do, it is best that he do nothing but think and clarify his own attitudes.\u00a0 In setting limits, he who hesitates is lost in endless arguments.\u00a0 Restrictions, invoked haltingly and clumsily, become a challenge to children and evoke a battle of wills, which no one can win.\u00a0 A limit must be stated in a manner that is deliberately calculated to minimize resentment, and to save self-esteem.\u00a0 The very process of limit-setting should convey authority, not insult.\u00a0 It should deal with a specific event, not with a developmental history.\u00a0 The temptation to clean away all problems with one big sweep should be resisted.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Limits should be phrased in a language that does not challenge the child\u2019s self-respect.\u00a0 Limits are heeded better when stated succinctly and impersonally.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Limits are accepted more willingly when they point out the function of an object.<\/p>\n

                (BPC, pg 116-120)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Examples are \u201cCellphones are to be put away when class starts.\u201d\u00a0 Or \u201cQuizzes are turned in as soon as the time is up.\u201d\u00a0 Stated like this, the rule becomes a \u201cclassroom rule\u201d instead of my rule, which is much easier for students to follow.<\/p>\n

                The rest of the book deals with specific child behavior problems that I do not think are applicable to the community college classroom.<\/p>\n

                My Response to Between Parent and Child<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

                As mentioned before, this book had a profound impact on the way I speak to people, especially in conflict situations.\u00a0 While I do not always act in the best possible way, overall, I tend to use these techniques automatically.\u00a0 It was natural for me to use them in the classroom and with my students.<\/p>\n

                Many of the statements made about dealing with children apply readily to dealing with students of all ages and grade levels.\u00a0 Try rereading them while changing the word \u201cchild\u201d to \u201cstudent\u201d to see how it works.<\/p>\n

                It is not a perfect solution that always works, but it has reduced problems in my classroom. It has also helped me deal with my own emotional reactions to student misbehavior.\u00a0 I can react and then contemplate the students\u2019 reasons behind their actions, which calms me down and offers me the chance to respond or not.\u00a0 Sometimes I use the techniques to redirect student-to-student interactions.<\/p>\n

                In comparing the techniques in this book to those in the \u201cGames\u201d books, I see that the \u201cpoor\u201d communication appears to be directly from the Parent ego state and the \u201cgood\u201d communication is from the Adult, in that the Adult would give a more rational and reality-based response to the child\u2019s behavior.\u00a0 Many of the techniques are from an Adult in an effort to engage the child\u2019s Adult ego state.\u00a0 The battles that occur are from Parent to Child or Child to Child.\u00a0 When the Child response happens, the Adult then phrases the rules impersonally, again to engage the respondent\u2019s Adult.<\/p>\n

                This book, and its companion book, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children<\/u>, give many examples of typical parent-child interactions that go wrong and strategies to steer them in the right direction.\u00a0 They both have a rational approach with concrete procedures and ideas.<\/p>\n

                ________________________<\/p>\n

                I\u2019m OK–You\u2019re OK<\/u> by Thomas A. Harris, M.D., Harper, ISBN 978-0-06-072427-6<\/strong><\/p>\n

                This book is a companion to the transactional analysis book Games People Play<\/u>.\u00a0 It is written by a psychiatrist who used the concepts in group and individual therapy sessions for many years.\u00a0 The author of GPP<\/u> wrote this about him:<\/p>\n

                I am grateful to Dr. Harris for doing a job that needed doing.\u00a0 In this book he has clarified the principles of Transactional Analysis with cogent, easily understood examples and has related them to broader considerations, including ethics, in a thoughtful and skillful way. (IOYO, inside cover)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                My goal in reviewing it is to connect the information it gives with the other books I have read (Games Students Play<\/u>, Games People Play<\/u>, Between Parent and Child<\/u>) \u2013 to fill out more details about the three ego states, to understand how to look at game playing, and to make stronger connections to the strategies in BPC<\/u>.\u00a0 I will skip the parts I think don\u2019t apply to this goal.<\/p>\n

                ————————–<\/p>\n

                In GPP we were introduced to the concepts of three ego states:\u00a0 Parent, Adult, and Child.\u00a0 Everyone has these states inside them and it was pointed out that there are physical manifestations that give us clues as to which ego state is in control of a person at the time.\u00a0 I wanted to know more about the definitions of the states and those physical clues.<\/p>\n

                \u2026Berne observed that as you watched and listened to people you can see them change before your eyes.\u00a0 It is a total kind of change.\u00a0 There are simultaneous changes in facial expression, vocabulary, gestures, posture, and body functions, which may cause the face to flush, the heart to pound, or the breathing to become rapid.<\/p>\n

                We can observe these changes in everyone:\u00a0 the little boy who bursts into tears when he can\u2019t make a toy work, the teenage girl whose woeful face floods with excitement when the phone finally rings, the man who grows pale and trembles when he gets the news of a business failure, the father whose face \u201cturns to stone\u201d when his son disagrees with him.\u00a0 The individual who changes in these ways is still the same person in terms of bone structure, skin, and clothes.\u00a0 So what changes inside him?\u00a0 He changes from<\/em> what to<\/em> what?<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Continual observation has supported the assumption that these three states exist in all people.\u00a0 It is as if in each person there is the same little person he was when he was three years old.\u00a0 There are also within him his own parents.\u00a0 These are recordings in the brain of actual experiences of internal and external events, the most significant of which happened in the first five years of life.\u00a0 There is a third state, different from these two.\u00a0 The first two are called Parent and Child, and the third, Adult.<\/p>\n

                These states of being are not roles but psychological realities. \u2026 The state is produced by the playback of recorded data of events in the past, involving real people, real times, real places, real decisions, and real feelings.<\/p>\n

                (IOYO, pgs 18-20)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                The Parent is defined by the experiences the child (roughly from birth to age five) has with his parents or parent substitutes.\u00a0 \u201cThe mother and father become internalized in the Parent, as recordings of what the child observed them say and do.\u201d\u00a0 (IOYO, pg 21) \u201cIt is a permanent recording.\u00a0 A person cannot erase it.\u00a0 It is available for replay throughout life.\u201d (IOYO, pg 23)<\/p>\n

                These \u201crecordings\u201d cover facial expressions, words, attitudes, \u201chow-to\u201d statements, restrictions, and more.\u00a0 It is a \u201ccomprehensive, vast store of data. \u2026 These rules are the origins of compulsions and quirks and eccentricities that appear in later behavior.\u201d (IOYO, pg 26)<\/p>\n

                The Child is defined by the simultaneous recording of \u201cinternal events, the responses of the little person to what he sees and hears.\u201d (IOYO, pg 27) Most of these recordings are about feelings, since at a young age, the child does not have the words to put to the experiences.<\/p>\n

                An interesting aspect of the Child recordings is that the \u201cpredominant by-product of the frustrating, civilizing process is negative feelings.\u201d (IOYO, pg 28) The book points out that every child feels this, and it is not dependent on how his parents treated him.<\/p>\n

                These two \u201crecordings\u201d can come into play in anyone, at any age, to influence his behavior and reactions to events in his life.\u00a0 But we are not haplessly influenced by them because of the third ego state, the Adult.\u00a0 When a child can start controlling his body, manipulating objects, experimenting with his surroundings, the Adult ego state begins to form.<\/p>\n

                Adult data accumulates as a result of the child\u2019s ability to find out for himself what is different about life from the \u201ctaught concept\u201d of life in his Parent and the \u201cfelt concept\u201d of life in his Child.\u00a0 The Adult develops a \u201cthought concept\u201d of life based on data gathering and data processing.\u00a0 (IOYO, pg 31)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                The Adult ego state serves as a computer, a data processor and probability estimator, and it updates the information from the Parent and Child recordings.\u00a0 It also keeps emotional expressions appropriate for the social situation.\u00a0 It can be impaired, which could allow the Parent or Child state to take over.\u00a0 The book spends considerable time discussing the ways the balance of Parent-Adult-Child could be changed and the possible personality or behavioral traits that can occur.<\/p>\n

                The Adult gives us the opportunity and freedom to change our behavior.\u00a0 It can, emotionlessly, evaluate the reactions of the Parent and Child and decide if those reactions are truly appropriate or if they need updating.\u00a0 It uses evidence and reality to make those evaluations and allows us to make decisions without necessarily having all the facts.<\/p>\n

                If the Adult is impaired, then the Parent or Child dominates, and this is when game playing occurs.\u00a0 \u201cThis is one of the essential characteristics of games.\u00a0 They always turn out painfully, but it is a pain that the player has learned to handle.\u201d (IOYO, pg 63)<\/p>\n

                We can use physical and verbal clues to help us determine which ego state is in charge.<\/p>\n

                Parent<\/strong><\/p>\n

                Furrowed brow, pursed lips, the pointing index finger, head-wagging, the \u201chorrified look,\u201d foot-tapping, hands on hips, arms folded across chest, wringing hands, tongue-clucking, sighing, patting another on the head.\u00a0 These are typical Parent gestures.\u00a0 However, there may be other Parent gestures peculiar to one\u2019s own Parent. \u2026 Also, there are cultural differences.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                I am going to put a stop to this once and for all<\/em>; I can\u2019t for the life of me \u2026; Now always remember\u2026; (\u201calways\u201d and \u201cnever\u201d are almost always<\/em> Parent words, which reveal the limitations of an archaic system closed to new data); How many times have I told you?\u00a0 If I were you\u2026<\/p>\n

                Many evaluative words, whether critical or supportive, may<\/em> identify the Parent inasmuch as they make a judgment about another, based not on Adult evaluation but on automatic<\/em>, archaic responses. \u2026 It is important to keep in mind that these words are clues<\/em>, and are not conclusive.\u00a0 The Adult may decide after serious deliberation that, on the basis of an Adult ethical system, certain things are<\/em> stupid, ridiculous, disgusting, and shocking.\u00a0 Two words, \u201cshould\u201d and \u201cought\u201d frequently are giveaways to the Parent state \u2026 It is the automatic, archaic, unthinking<\/em> use of these words which signal the activation of the Parent. \u00a0The use of these words, together with body gestures and the context of the transaction, helps us identify the Parent.<\/p>\n

                Child<\/strong><\/p>\n

                Since the Child\u2019s earliest responses to the external world were non-verbal, the most readily apparent Child clues are seen in physical expressions.\u00a0 Any of the following signal the involvement of the Child in a transaction:\u00a0 tears; the quivering lip; pouting; temper tantrums; the high-pitched, whining voice; rolling eyes; shrugging shoulders; downcast eyes; teasing; delight; laughter; hand-raising for permission to speak; nail-biting; nose-thumbing; squirming; and giggling.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Many words, in addition to baby talk, identify the Child:\u00a0 I wish, I want, I dunno, I gonna, I don\u2019t care, I guess, when I grow up, bigger, biggest, better, best.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Adult<\/strong><\/p>\n

                \u2026listening with the Adult is identified by continual movement\u2014of the face, the eyes, the body\u2014with an eyeblink every three to five seconds.\u00a0 Nonmovement signifies non-listening.\u00a0 The Adult face is straightforward\u2026If the head is tilted, the person is listening with an angle in mind.\u00a0 The Adult also allows the curious, excited Child to show its face.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                \u2026the basic vocabulary of the Adult consists of why, what, where, when, who, and how.\u00a0 Other words are: how much, in what way, comparative, true, false, probably, possible, unknown, objective, I think, I see, it is my opinion, etc.\u00a0 These words all indicate Adult data processing.<\/p>\n

                (IOYO, pgs 69-71)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                In the other books, the authors emphasize that we don\u2019t need to be in the Adult ego state all the time.\u00a0 It can be helpful, wise, and beneficial to \u201clet out\u201d the Parent or Child in certain occasions \u2013 they have something to contribute to a balanced life.\u00a0 But we do need to have the Adult in charge, at least most of the time.\u00a0 How can we achieve this?<\/p>\n

                The Adult develops later than the Parent and Child and seems to have a difficult time catching up throughout life.\u00a0 The Parent and Child occupy primary circuits, which tend to come on automatically in response to stimuli.\u00a0 The first way, therefore, is to build the strength of the Adult is to become sensitive to one\u2019s own Not OK feelings\u2026 Processing this data takes a moment.\u00a0 Counting to ten is a useful way to delay the automatic response in order that the Adult maintain control of the transaction\u2026.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                It is helpful to program into the computer certain Adult questions \u2026 Is it true?\u00a0 Does it apply?\u00a0 Is it appropriate?\u00a0 Where did I get that idea?\u00a0 What is the evidence?<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Another way to strengthen the Adult is to take the time to make some big decisions about basic values, which will make a lot of smaller decisions unnecessary.\u00a0 These big decisions can always be re-examined, but the time it takes to make them does not have to be spent on every incident in which basic values apply.\u00a0 These big decisions form an ethical basis for the moment-to-moment questions of what to do.<\/p>\n

                (IOYO, pgs 97-99)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                A piece of advice I found useful:<\/p>\n

                The Adult has a choice:\u00a0 to play, to not play, to modify the game into something less destructive, or to try to explain the insights that help persons give up games.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                My Response to I\u2019m OK–You\u2019re OK<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

                I see that this book does clarify many details about Transactional Analysis for me.\u00a0 When I read the two Games<\/u> books, I wondered how I would ever keep all the game descriptions straight, but now I see I don\u2019t have to.\u00a0 What I really need to do is determine what ego state a person is in and then adjust my response to be complementary to that.\u00a0 In this book\u2019s wording, I need to \u201chook\u201d the Adult ego state of the person and I can try that with the strategies from BPC<\/u>.<\/p>\n

                I also see the need for me to be very aware of my reactions and ego states when I am in a stressful or challenging situation.\u00a0 I can recall times when I felt irrationally stubborn about suggested changes \u2013 now I know how to identify what I am feeling and how to analyze it with my Adult.<\/p>\n

                The author points out, near the end of the book, that Transactional Analysis makes the person become responsible for his own behavior along with being empowered to change that behavior by understanding why he is behaving that way.<\/p>\n

                ___________________________<\/p>\n

                Getting Past No<\/u>, by William Ury; ISBN 0-553-37131-2<\/strong><\/p>\n

                The subtitle for this book is \u201cNegotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation.\u201d\u00a0 It is a book teaching the art of negotiation.\u00a0 I decided to review it because it emphasizes the same techniques I see for classroom management and for getting along with people in general.\u00a0 It also offers useful techniques for calming yourself down and getting focused when the situation gets stressful.\u00a0 I will concentrate my review on the relevant parts.<\/p>\n

                ________________________<\/p>\n

                In Part II of this book, \u201cUsing the Breakthrough Strategy\u201d, the author starts with an interchange between two people where the first states the problem but then they both react emotionally to each other\u2019s words.\u00a0 At the end of the conversation, the problem has been lost in the battle of hostile words and negative feelings.\u00a0 \u201cAction provokes reaction, reaction provokes counterreaction, and on it goes in an endless argument.\u201d\u00a0 (GPN, pg 12)<\/p>\n

                \u201cHuman beings are reaction machines.\u00a0 The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult situation is to react \u2013 to act without thinking.\u00a0 There are three common reactions\u2026\u201d (GPN, pg 12) Those reactions are:\u00a0 striking back, giving in, and breaking off.<\/p>\n

                The author describes striking back first.<\/p>\n

                When the other side attacks you, your instinctive reaction is to attack right back, to \u201cfight fire with fire\u201d and \u201cgive them a taste of their own medicine.\u201d\u00a0 If they take a rigid and extreme position, you do the same.<\/p>\n

                Occasionally, this shows them that two can play the same game and makes them stop.\u00a0 More often, however, this strategy lands you in a futile and costly confrontation.\u00a0 You provide them with a justification for their unreasonable behavior.\u00a0 They think: \u201cAh, I knew that you were out to get me.\u00a0 This proves it.\u201d\u00a0 Escalation often follows in the form of a shouting match, a corporate shutdown, a lawsuit, or a war.
                \n(GPN, pg 33)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Once the hostilities increase, it is difficult to scale them back.\u00a0 \u201cEven if you do win the battle, you may lose the war.\u201d (GPN, pg 33) Furthermore,<\/p>\n

                The other problem with striking back is that people who play hardball are usually very good at it.\u00a0 They may actually be hoping that you are going to attack them.\u00a0 If you do, you put yourself on their home turf, playing the game the way they like to play it.
                \n(GPN, pg 34)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                The reaction of giving up is described as \u201cthe opposite of striking back.\u201d (GPN, pg 34)<\/p>\n

                The other side may succeed in making you feel so uncomfortable with the negotiation that you give in just to be done with it.\u00a0 They pressure you, implying that you are the one who is blocking agreement.\u00a0 Do you really want to be the one responsible for dragging out the negotiations, disrupting the relationship, missing the opportunity of a lifetime?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it just be better to say yes?<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Giving in usually results in an unsatisfactory outcome.\u00a0 You feel \u201chad.\u201d\u00a0 Moreover, it rewards the other side for bad behavior and gives you a reputation for weakness that they \u2013 and others \u2013 may try to exploit in the future. \u2026<\/p>\n

                Sometimes we are intimidated and appease unreasonable people under the illusion that if we give in just this one last time, we will get them off our back and will never have to deal with them again.\u00a0 All too often, however, such people come back for further concessions.\u00a0 There is a saying that an appeaser is someone who believes that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will eventually become a vegetarian.
                \n(GPN, pgs 34-35)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                The third common reaction is to \u201cbreak off.\u201d\u00a0 That is, to withdraw from the relationship or situation.\u00a0 This can be an appropriate reaction in some cases.\u00a0 For example, \u201cif continuing means being taken advantage of or getting into fights again and again \u2026 Sometimes, too, breaking off reminds the other side of their stake in the relationship and leads them to act more reasonably.\u201d\u00a0 (GPN, pg 35) It is also important to consider the costs of this action, both financially and personally.\u00a0 They are often high, and you need to decide if breaking off is worth it.\u00a0 It might be better to explore the motives and reasons behind the conflict in an attempt to preserve the relationship.<\/p>\n

                Next, the author explores the dangers of reacting without thinking.<\/p>\n

                In reacting, we lose sight of our interests.\u00a0 \u2026<\/p>\n

                Often the other side is actually trying to make you react. \u00a0The first casualty of an attack is your objectivity \u2013 the faculty you need most to negotiate effectively.\u00a0 They are trying to throw you off balance and prevent you from thinking straight.\u00a0 They are trying to bait you like a fish so that they can control you.\u00a0 When you react, you are hooked.<\/p>\n

                Much of your opponent\u2019s power derives from the ability to make you react.\u00a0 \u2026<\/p>\n

                Even if reacting doesn\u2019t lead to a gross error on your part, it feeds the unproductive cycle of action and reaction.
                \n(GPN, pgs 36-37)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                So what are we to do?\u00a0 The author describes a technique he calls, \u201cGo to the Balcony.\u201d<\/p>\n

                \u2026 the good news is that you have the power the break the cycle at any time \u2013 unilaterally<\/em>.\u00a0 How\u201d\u00a0 by not<\/em> reacting. \u2026 Objects react.\u00a0 Minds can choose not to.<\/em><\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                When you find yourself facing a difficult negotiation, you need to step back, collect your wits, and see the situation objectively.\u00a0 Imagine you are negotiating on a stage and then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage.\u00a0 The \u201cbalcony\u201d is a metaphor for a mental attitude of detachment.\u00a0 From the balcony you can calmly evaluate the conflict almost as if you were a third party.\u00a0 You can think constructively for both sides and look for a mutually satisfactory way to resolve the problem.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Going to the balcony means distancing yourself from your natural impulses and emotions.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                you should go to the balcony at every possible opportunity throughout the negotiation.\u00a0 At all times you will be tempted to react impulsively to your opponent\u2019s difficult behavior.\u00a0 But at all times you need to keep your eyes on the prize.
                \n(GPN, pgs 38-39)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Next the author provides techniques for suspending our natural reactions.<\/p>\n

                Often you don\u2019t even realize you are reacting, because you are too enmeshed in the situation.\u00a0 The first task, therefore, is to recognize the tactic.\u00a0 In ancient mythology, calling an evil spirit by its name enabled you to ward it off.\u00a0 So, too, with unfair tactics \u2013 identify them and you break the spell they cast.
                \n(GPN, pg 39)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                There are many tactics, but the author groups them into three categories:\u00a0 obstructive, offensive, or deceptive:<\/p>\n

                Stone walls<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 A stone wall tactic is a refusal to budge. The other side may try to convince you that they have no flexibility and that there is no choice other than their position. \u2026 Any other suggestion on your part is met with a no.<\/p>\n

                Attacks<\/em><\/strong>. Attacks are pressure tactics designed to intimidate you and make you feel so uncomfortable that you ultimately give in to the other side\u2019s demands.\u00a0 Perhaps the most common form of attack is to threaten you with dire consequences unless you accept their position \u2026 Your opponents may also attack your proposal \u2026, your credibility \u2026, or your status and authority \u2026\u00a0 Attackers will insult, badger, and bully until they get their way.<\/p>\n

                Tricks<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 Tricks are tactics that dupe you into giving in.\u00a0 They take advantage of the fact that you assume your counterpart is acting in good faith and is telling the truth.\u00a0 One kind of trick is manipulating the data \u2013 using false, phony, or confusing figures. \u00a0Another is the \u201cno authority\u201d ploy, in which the other side misleads you into believing they have the authority to decide the issue, only to inform you after you have given up as much as you can that in fact someone else must decide.\u00a0 A third trick is the \u201cadd on,\u201d the last minute additional demand that comes after your opponent has led you to believe you have already reached agreement.
                \n(GPN, pgs 40-41)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                There are advantages to recognizing the methods used to manipulate you.<\/p>\n

                The key to neutralizing a tactic\u2019s effect on you is to recognize it.\u00a0 If you recognize the other side\u2019s tactic as a stone wall, you are less likely to believe that they are inflexible.\u00a0 If you recognize an attack, you are less likely to fall prey to fear and discomfort.\u00a0 If you recognize a trick, you will not be taken in by the deception.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Many ploys depend on your not knowing what is being done to you.\u00a0 \u2026 Recognizing the tactic puts you on your guard.<\/p>\n

                The hardest tactics to recognize are lies.\u00a0 You need to watch for mismatch<\/em> \u2013 between their words, on the one hand, and their previous words or actions, facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, on the other.\u00a0 Whereas liars can manipulate words, they cannot easily control the anxiety that raises their voice pitch.\u00a0 Nor can they control the symmetry of their facial expressions; a liar\u2019s smile, for instance, may become crooked.\u00a0 Bear in mind that anxiety can stem from other causes and that one clue alone is unreliable.\u00a0 You need to look for multiple clues.<\/p>\n

                Watching out for tactics means being alert, not overly suspicious.\u00a0 Sometimes you may have misunderstood the other person\u2019s behavior. \u2026<\/p>\n

                So put on your radar, not your armor.\u00a0 Make a mental note when you detect a possible trick or subtle attack.\u00a0 Neutralize it by naming it, and keep it in mind as a possibility, not a certainty.\u00a0 Look for additional evidence, remembering that difficult people rarely limit themselves to a single tactic.<\/p>\n

                (GPN, pgs 41-42)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                To summarize so far, you need to recognize your reaction to a difficult situation.\u00a0 You should \u201cgo to the balcony\u201d to help you maintain your perspective during the discussions.\u00a0 You should be on alert for various tactics used by the other side that are designed to distract you and allow them to control the situation.\u00a0 The next part addresses your reaction and going to the balcony in more detail.<\/p>\n

                \u2026 you need to recognize not only what they are doing but also what you are feeling.<\/p>\n

                The first clue that we are reacting usually comes from our bodies.\u00a0 Our stomachs get tied up in knots.\u00a0 Our heats start to pound.\u00a0 Our faces flush.\u00a0 Our palms sweat.\u00a0 These are all visceral responses signaling that something is wrong and that we are losing our composure in the negotiation.\u00a0 They are cues that we need to go to the balcony.<\/p>\n

                Each of us has certain emotional susceptibilities, or \u201chot buttons.\u201d \u2026<\/p>\n

                If you understand what your \u201chot buttons\u201d are, you can more easily recognize when your opponent is pushing them.\u00a0 Recognizing them in turn allows you to control your natural reaction. \u2026<\/p>\n

                We live and work in competitive environments.\u00a0 So expect verbal attacks and don\u2019t take them personally.\u00a0 Remember that your accusers are hoping to play on your anger, fear, and guilt.\u00a0 They may want you to lose control of your emotions so that you cannot negotiate effectively. \u2026<\/p>\n

                When you are being attacked, it may help to see your opponent as someone who doesn\u2019t know any better.<\/p>\n

                (GPN, pg 43-44)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                Techniques for \u201cgoing to the balcony\u201d are for buying yourself time for thought and composure.<\/p>\n

                Pause and Say Nothing<\/strong><\/p>\n

                The simplest way to buy time to think in the middle of a tense negotiation is to pause and say nothing.\u00a0 It does you little good to respond when you\u2019re feeling angry or frustrated.\u00a0 Your judgment is distorted. \u2026<\/p>\n

                Pausing will not only give you a chance to step up to the balcony for a few seconds, but it may also help the other side cool down.\u00a0 By saying nothing you give them nothing to push against.\u00a0 Your silence may make them feel a little uncomfortable.\u00a0 The onus of keeping the conversation going shifts back to them.\u00a0 Uncertain about what is going on in your head, they may respond more reasonably.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                You obviously can\u2019t eliminate your feelings, nor do you need to do so.\u00a0 You need only to disconnect the automatic link between emotion and action.\u00a0 Feel the anger, frustration, or fear \u2013 even imagine attacking your opponent if you like \u2013 but don\u2019t<\/em> channel your feelings and impulses into action.\u00a0 Suspend your impulses; freeze your behavior.\u00a0 While it may feel like hours, it will probably last only a few seconds.\u00a0 This may not be easy when your opponent is shouting or stonewalling, but it is necessary for successful negotiation. \u2026<\/p>\n

                Rewind the Tape<\/strong><\/p>\n

                You can only pause for so long.\u00a0 To buy more time to think, try rewinding the tape.\u00a0 Slow down the conversation by playing it back.\u00a0 Tell your counterpart: \u201cLet me just make sure I understand what you\u2019re saying.\u201d\u00a0 Review the discussion up to that point.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                An easy way to slow down negotiation is to take careful notes.\u00a0 Writing down what your counterpart says gives you a good excuse: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I missed that.\u00a0 Could you please repeat it?\u201d<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Take a Time Out<\/strong><\/p>\n

                If you need more time to think, take a break. \u2026 A time-out gives both sides a chance to cool off and go to the balcony.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Don\u2019t Make Important Decisions on the Spot<\/strong><\/p>\n

                In the presence of the other person, you are under strong psychological pressure to agree.\u00a0 One simple rule of thumb will help keep you out of trouble: Never make an important decision on the spot.\u00a0 Go to the balcony and keep it there.<\/p>\n

                \u2026<\/p>\n

                Once you are away from the table, the psychological pressure eases.\u00a0 It no longer seems so urgent to reach a decision.\u00a0 Having suspended your initial reaction, you can now consider the decisions in a more objective fashion \u2026<\/p>\n

                In sum, the most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult person or situation is to react.\u00a0 It is also the biggest mistake you can make.<\/p>\n

                (GPN, pgs 45-50)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

                My Response to Getting Past No<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

                What appealed to me about this book is how it teaches personal control in the face of difficulty.\u00a0 Now that I am more aware of it, I am more likely to recognize my internal reactions and control them better.<\/p>\n

                What drew me to this was recalling incidents I have had with students and their family members that were hostile.\u00a0 I was not always pleased with my reaction to them and wished I could have done a better job handling it.<\/p>\n

                In one instance, a parent came in to my office and instantly began yelling at me.\u00a0 We did not exchange names; she did not state why she was there or even ask if she could talk to me.\u00a0 The immediate hostility put me on edge and we ended up having a yelling match.\u00a0 If I had the techniques listed here, I could have taken control of the situation by inviting her to sit, by introducing myself and asking her for her name, and then by asking her to please explain her purpose and her concerns.\u00a0 Perhaps that would have defused the situation, at least somewhat, and pressured her to be more civil in her communications.<\/p>\n

                Then, using the balcony techniques, I might have been able to help her realize that what she was asking for was unreasonable and unfair to other students in the class.<\/p>\n

                Other instances come to mind, and I think all of them would have benefitted from my using Mr. Ury\u2019s techniques.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                PDF versions for download:\u00a0 1 Book Review – Games Students Play \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a02 Book Review – Games People Play \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a03 Book Review – Between Parent and Child \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a04 Book Review – I’m OK–You’re OK \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a05 Book Review – Getting Past No My project required me to write five […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":32,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[21,3],"class_list":["post-184","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-book-reviews","tag-classroom-management"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/184","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/32"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=184"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/184\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":373,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/184\/revisions\/373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=184"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=184"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pages.palomar.edu\/tjohnston2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=184"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}